Hello Dear Quilty Friend,

I’ve been racking my brain for weeks trying to strategize how to re-enter this “old” space as the person I am today. Memories of homeschooling, arts and crafts projects, baking with my kids, lots of church events, family get togethers, stealing some me-time away to sew, endless soccer practices in between top buns, lots of coffee and house chores. They all swirled around in my head anytime I thought of Linen Bouquet. My eyes teared up (still tearing up right now as I type) and I had to shut it down immediately.

Yes, I still grieve.

You see, the only thing I still have in my life daily is the coffee. Coffee never lets me down. 🙂

September marked two years since I filed divorce on a 14 year marriage (17 year relationship). A marriage I thought was solid. One I worked every day on. Truly giving my life, body and every ounce of energy towards. Now I understand the sacrifices themselves were a tell-tale sign that the marriage was not as healthy as I’d imagined. A healthy relationship should never take so much of one person. A person’s health should not suffer under the stress of love…… Love should actually produce the opposite effect. There was something very wrong in the relationship and I knew it deep inside. That’s why, when I stood in front of a mirror I avoided my own gaze. I couldn’t even look at myself. My body was unrecognizable to me because of the weight. I would react to simple foods that did not previously cause me harm. I had rashes on my body that were painful to the touch. My body was constantly reactive, bad sleep, startling awake to nothing, nightmares of someone trying to hurt me or my children. The weight on the scale kept creeping up to the point that I moved into another section of the clothing store searching for something to fit. At my request, the doctor ran tests only to find that all my levels were normal. That couldn’t be right. Why was my body betraying me? I asked for weight loss solutions, but the doctor looked at me and said I was simply under a lot of stress. The best thing I could do was go home to rest. I needed to find ways to reduce the stress I was under.

My response, “How do I do that?”

As far as I could see, everything on my to-do list still had to be done and no one was going to do it for me. Sharing all this with my husband, but there was no care nor solutions offered. He gave no help and went on with his own interests as usual (cough, cough Clue #1).

I prayed for answers. “God, what am I missing?”

Next I got very quiet. Meditated. Fasted. Took time to sit out in nature to do absolutely nothing, not even think. Completely emptying my mind. Incredibly difficult to do. I stopped making every single meal, picking up every item off the floor, skipped deadlines and imaginary expectations. Slept more, a lot more.

I know what it sounds like, so selfish. Trust me, I felt terrible about it but it had to be done. The less I did, the more quiet I became, the more I was able to observe what was happening around me.

Patterns became apparent. Lies more noticeable. Attitudes pronounced. It’s as though the more quiet I was the more heightened my other senses became. Over the course of many months I observed how purposefully mistreated I was.

How did this happen? My character was so strong-willed and driven, I had demanded respect when I was younger giving no time to foolishness or foolish (by my opinion) people. How did I become a mindless unattractive doormat? LOL I know what you’re thinking… Did she just slip in physical appearance? Yes! It’s important in a marriage, and it was important to me personally. I won’t get into the details, but you understand the feeling of your partner pushing you away because they are no longer attracted to you. It’s a mix of the physical attraction with the mental and emotional. No one should be made to feel that way in a relationship.

Months of self-reflection with observations of my situation. It came to a point where I had to take the great MJ’s advice and face the woman in the mirror. No matter how many times my eyes diverted, I forced myself to take a long stare into my own being. My eyes stung with shame, there were many tears but I did what I felt needed to be done.

I SAW MYSELF.

I apologized for the lack of respect I had, for the lack of love I had given my spirit and body. Made promises to myself which I still hold. That day started a healing journey for me… one that cannot be condensed to a single blog post. I think I’ll forever share the lessons I’ve learned in these past two years… hopefully with my daughters to guide them in their own personal journeys.

All this to say, I am not the woman I once was. My mind, body and soul have transformed (many times over). Friends and family have been lost. Interests have evolved. Career changes. Physically moved to the opposite side of the country. Lost 50 pounds. Yay! Moved down multiple bra sizes (sad face). Re-entered single-hood. Oh I have maaaaany stories on dating experiences. If you’re interested I can share a few. LOL

Damn it’s been a fucking whirl-wind. Oh yeah, I cuss now too. It’s fun.

This space will change as I have. However it’s all for the best. I’m more ME than ever before! The people who were once in my life that made me feel as though I could not fully express myself have since been removed, and my spirit has thanked me with peace for it. I now look in the mirror and smile. Not because everything is perfect in my life, but because I’ve worked to reclaim my dignity.

Friend, if you’ve read all this I thank you for being here. From this point forward you will join me in the journey of self-expression, creativity and a zest for life that I’m never letting go of ever again!!!! Hope you enjoy and feel free to express yourself here too.

with love, Jasmine

****Disclaimer: Please be kind in the comments. Sharing my heart and internal thoughts has taken courage. I do not share all of this to say that my journey and decision making was the best nor that others should do the same for their own lives. This is simply the path I’ve experienced. No advice or judgement is given in this post. I do not wish to influence others as we are all on individual journeys, as unique as we are. Please keep suggestions as well as judgements for your own gossip circles and kitchen tables. All here is shared with love. Any harsh comments will be removed. Thank you!****